Brunch

Artist’s rendition of A Snack IRL

If you were to cast every meal as an animal, breakfast would be the proud coyote, lunch would be the nimble dolphin, snack would of course be a fruit bat, dinner is the humble giraffe… and brunch… brunch is… I don’t know, a blue whale or something. Something big that doesn’t give a fuck at all.

A rare glimpse at Brunch

Brunch is the crown jewel of the food ecosystem. Scientists have suggested that other meals exist solely to provide anticipation for brunch. People go out on Saturday nights so that they can wake up late and hungover on a Sunday, and go to brunch. The allure of brunch is what makes it maddeningly frightening, as well: people can actually see you at brunch! On a Friday night, nobody notices the bags under your eyes, the stench of misery you constantly emit, or your colitis.

The Once and Future King of Brunch

What’s truly incredible about brunch is that it’s just anything. You can eat pretty much anything for brunch. Nobody can stop you. How early does brunch start? Who cares. How late does it go? Forever. Brunch never ends. Lead philosophers in the field believe that life is really just one sitting of brunch, and you die the moment the endless mimosas end. God Himself sneezes, and with nobody to wish him a God bless you, the universe dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.

Artist’s rendition of the universe dying of autoerotic asphyxiation

After reviewing some of the Major Meals (doesn’t that sound like it’s a military man’s name? oh the hilarity!), here are some of my major takeaways:

The number one thing foodies care about is how you get to drink with that meal.

Bacon and avocados have a place in every meal.

Equating quality with the performance of quality is the easiest way to separate people from their money.

Thug Culture

Dinner

Dinner’s a trash meal for trash people.

That’s a lie. I don’t know why I said that. The truth is that dinner is actually one of the most versatile meals. I present that to you with no evidence whatsoever, and I’m begging you to trust me. The reason is, of course, people don’t usually have time limits for dinner. You can eat dinner all night! You can eat breakfast for dinner! Nobody eats dinner for breakfast. That would be a ridiculous expenditure of time in the early morning. Don’t you work? Don’t you have some sort of job you should be getting to? Eat your cereal and go to fucking work. And if you don’t like cereal, eat some paleo granola with almond milk and some butter coffee. It might be good for you! Nobody knows.

What the fuck is this

I encourage you to do weird shit with dinner. If you go to a nice restaurant, they’ll give you very small things with a little bit of sauce on it, and it’s customary to pretend that you know why they gave you so little. The hardest part of eating dinner is knowing how to eat it. Are you supposed to take bites or eat it all at once? Do you use a fork or a spoon? Is this a soup or a curry? Why doesn’t this restaurant give rice? What’s a Tim Horton’s? Is anybody listening to me?

Who are you, Tim Horton’s? REVEAL YOURSELF

Anyway, if you’re anything like me, memories of dinner will take you back to a time of a deep and dark hunger because you were being punished by your family for lies concocted by some shadowy figure they only referred to as The Other He. Sometimes just to keep you from getting too strong or energetic. A well-fed boy is a recipe for trouble, they carved into my walls. Hah! Just kidding. I didn’t have a bedroom.

You know what’s expensive these days? A hamburger. And French fries. They put truffles on them. Or truffle salt. Or truffle oil. I don’t really know the mode of truffle transmission, I just know that it’s there, because they charge you a lot more for it. It’s good, I guess.

This asshole dog is eating a truffle

The best part of dinner is that you can drink as much as you want and nobody will say anything to you. Foodies love craft beer, which is like a Miller Lite, but worse. I’ll be honest, I tried to go to a restaurant to actually learn what dinner is supposed to be like, but they wouldn’t let me in because I’m a goddamn wreck.

I’m not bitter!

But my dinner was 😉

I ate literal garbage : (

Me irl

Snack

(Writer’s note: I would never eat a fucking snack. Snacks are for children. You’re childish. That man up there? He’s childish. I’m not a fucking child, I don’t take naps, I don’t get peanut butter and jelly all over my shirt then demand my mother wash it because it’s my favorite and the other kids will laugh at me. I’ve never done that. No child has ever laughed at me, and if they did, I don’t care, because the opinion of a child is fucking beneath me. Snacks are for those who don’t have the foresight to eat a real meal, a meal like a man. The only reason I’m writing this is for the sake of discourse. It’s not for me. It’s for you. I hope you appreciate this juvenile post you immature little fuck. I despise you. I truly do. Oh, are you tired? You wanna take a nap? Get over it. Child.)

I had kale chips. I thought they were going to be chips that tasted like kale. Instead they were dried pieces of kale, which is just leaves, by the way.

This chart is actually useful. Unlike snacks.

 

Lunch

Shall I compare thee to a summer salad? Thou art far more arugula.

BURRATA BURRATA BURRATA ROCKIN EVERYWHERE

I don’t know what I want for lunch. What’s the deal with bacon?

It feels like bacon is a sort of democratic food. All sorts of non-foodie people (I mean poor people) eat bacon, but then everybody is all like, “BACON!!!” as though they would truly murder their first born if his backside contained fatty marbling, which, let’s be honest, it probably does. Talk about a modest proposal! Truly disgusting.

A Panini is a sandwich that has been warmed up. It’s not that novel of a creation.

I’m so hungry. I could eat a horse. I swear to IHOP I will eat a fucking horse. You can’t hide from me, you asshole.

What is an oyster? Who is a clam?

A pungent soup.

Breakfast

Being a ‘foodie’ has always been a personal dream of mine. I know what you’re thinking: but you’re the type of man who has LOTS of dreams that he never follows up with, because you’re a coward! Well, I don’t know if all of THAT is true, and I really resent your tone when you say those things, but when life gives you lemons, LoL! (Lots of Lemons)

Limes, however, are preferred to lemons in the world of the ‘foodie.’

Anyway, now that I’ve got that introduction out of the way, I figured I would start with the most important meal of the day: breakfast! Who doesn’t like breakfast! I know a lot of people don’t eat breakfast because you need to wake up early to eat it, and I guess if you’re going to be a foodie, you probably have to wake up early to make good things, things in sauces, or with arugula.

I just googled ‘foodie breakfast’ and the first hit was pinterest. I guess being a foodie just means you use pinterest.

I don’t really like waffles all that much. They’re disgustingly decadent and they represent the demise of our society. Not all of society, just ours. It’s the heroin for our bloated country, and all hail IHOP, the King Dealer!

Our IHOP who art in shitty towns,

Hallowed be thy name,

They Moons-Over-Your-Hammy come,

They will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this our daily endless stack of silver dollar pancakes,

And forgive us our disgusting gluttony,

As we forgive those who are gluttonous against us,

And lead us not into a Denny’s

But deliver us from Norm’s.

When did coffee become a luxury good? I understand that there’s an actual quality argument at hand, but who determines what that quality is? I think the question that really torments me, keeps me up at night, if you catch my drift, is, have I ever had a real cup of coffee? I’ve lived a significant amount of years, and I don’t understand the spirit of coffee, but I know I’ve been to coffeeshops and cafes, and I’ve witnessed people degustating coffee—straight up sipping some, gargling it, then spitting it out. I don’t know if that’s the purpose of coffee. Do foodies eat their food?

I know people who have spent $100 on a cup of coffee. There were rules about how to drink it.

They poured butter in my coffee. I swear to IHOP they did!

I paid $20 for this cereal once.

I forgot to eat breakfast today.